Another Form, Another Indignity
June 9, 2011 
7 Comments
The other night I went to the middle school orientation for incoming fifth-graders. I still cannot believe that my son, Avi, is going to be in fifth grade. The school offers a wonderful after-school program in which students can play sports, take fun classes and get their homework done. I picked up an application form on my way out of the school building.
At home that night, I looked over the brochure and began to fill out the application. Before I could even put pen to paper, I was asked for the names of Avi’s mother and father. Now, for most people such questions are not stumbling-blocks. For most, they are not small acts of discrimination that over time chip away at one’s soul. Nor are they reminders of how far they have come in their struggle for civil rights and yet how far they still have to go. You see, Avi has two dads. And while I sometimes still cannot believe that I am a parent (or a rabbi), I am still reminded of how far away LGBT people are from complete acceptance and civil rights.
I have long since stopped worrying about coming out. But almost every time I am faced with some sort of form, my own invisibility becomes glaringly evident. Will I check off “married” or cross it out, and write in “partnered?” As any parent knows, you are always completing forms. Do I cross out the word “mother,” or do I write a polite note suggesting that the form be updated? Or, tired of what often feels like a daily struggle, do I simply refuse to complete the form?
It is no different for an LGBT couple joining a synagogue. Will the membership form ask for the names of the husband and wife or for “Adult1″ and “Adult 2?” Will the religious school forms be similarly updated? Many congregations like to say they are welcoming but may not have thought about what that means in practical terms. Given the costs of synagogue membership can we really expect a family to pay thousands of dollars a year when a membership or registration form does not recognize their family?
This time, for my son’s sake and my own sense of dignity I sent a strong, yet polite email to the director of the program, copying both the school principal and the superintendent of the school district. I complemented him on his presentation at the orientation and told him of the many fine things I had heard about the program. I explained that I was looking forward to enrolling Avi in the program but I felt unable to complete the enrollment application in its current form.
Considering that over the course of a school year, my family would have to pay a considerable sum for this program, I explained that I did not think I should have to amend the form. That is akin to telling me that I can dine in a restaurant but can only sit in a designated area, or that I would have to bring my own silverware.
I called his attention to what we know about the current make-up of families in the United States. Data from the 2000 Census indicates that 25% of households headed by same-sex couples have children. Estimates suggest that this represents 2 million children. Single parents account for 27% of family households with children under the age of 18.The 2000 US Census found that 2.4 million grandparents are the primary caregivers for the children in their families. I wrote that given this information, updating the forms would benefit a number of families in our town.
So, I sent the email out. Not knowing if I would even receive a response, I at least felt that I had done my part not to be invisible. In only three hours, I received a response from the program director. He wrote,
Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We should have picked upon this long ago. We have already started to change our registration materials to reflect Parent/Guardian 1 & 2. We will look over all our materials to make sure we make this overdue change. We will not be handing out any more of the “old” forms.
I could not have asked for a better response. My Facebook friends offered great encouragement and advice: Debbi encouraged me to stick to my guns; Ellen predicted that a gentle approach would produce exactly the response I received; and Ruth suggested that gay pride has arrived at Edgar Middle School. Another small battle won! And I am actually feeling rather proud of my son’s new school.
Spotlight on Diversity: This June, the URJ highlights a variety of resources to help congregations welcome and support diverse members. Download: 18+ Ways to Make Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Members Welcome in Your Congregation, and find more diversity resources on our website.
Way to go, Victor! Proof that staying silent accomplishes nothing, & speaking up is not always as controversial as we sometimes fear it will be.
Excellent piece, and fair point. It’s the little things that often make or break a person’s feeling of inclusivity and equality.
Thank you for the insight, and sharing your story!
I love the small, happy coincidences of life. You may not see someone for years, but one day something happens and you are reminded of them and even mention their name. The very next day, from out of (what seems to be) the blue, that very person appears to you again in some shape or form.
That is exactly what happened to me today i met Rabbi Appell a couple of years ago at a URJ Biennial soon after i had created our temple website using the RJ Web Builder. I signed my name to a list for him to critique our webite and email me with suggestions. Sure enough, it wasnt long before i received an email with great ideas and we emailed back and forth a couple of times.
Yesterday, I was on the phone with our new Board of Trustees President kicking around ideas. Something she said reminded me of something Rabbi Appell had emailed to me. While our IT is not so happy about the number of emails in my archive, I can usually find what I need and often what others are looking for, too. It took me about 20 minutes, but I found the two year old email and forwarded it to her. It was exactly what she was looking for.
Rabbi Appell made my day today in a couple of ways and doesnt even know it. There was that stars coming together thing that brought a smile to my face when i saw his name in the post that appeared on my Facebook page. But, there was something else. The article made me wonder just how good our temple forms are and I actually went back and double checked. Partner 1 and Partner 2…married, divorced…life partner… Anyone who hasnt made those changes should stop reading and do it Now. Thank you for making an ordinary day great, twice!
Debbie, we will make sure our Camp Sinai forms are appropriate for next summer! Great piece. We can always learn something new with an open mind. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful article. I will let Judy Mendelsohn know about it as well for the ECE forms.
You go, Victor! I only wish that I had had your dignity & way with words all the years I was confronting with anti-Jewish discrimination when my kids were in school. SImilar, albeit different, you have made a great leap for all humankind in one small email! Kol ha-cavod!
Your piece made me proud, Debbie. Thanks for sharing…
Victor:
Once again I am reminded of how proud I am to know you. I am forwarding your article to my Temple administration to be certain they are “doing the right thing.”