Of Course Your Child with Special Needs Can Become a Bar Mitzvah
November 23, 2011 
5 Comments
I received a message recently about a parent of a child with special needs. It seems that this parent was unsure that the special needs child could ever become a Bar Mitzvah. Here’s my response to the parent:
Recently, Cantor Doug Cotler and I officiated at two different B’nai Mitzvah services of children with special needs. In each case, the parents were sure that their child would never read from Torah, lead the service or become a Bar Mitzvah. Like the few dozen other such families who thought the same, they were overwhelmed and blown away when their child led the service, read from Torah and gave a speech. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house!
At Congregation Or Ami, we are committed to the idea that any child of a member who works to the best of his or her ability, has the privilege and right to a Jewish learning experience and to becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The children participate in a real service, just one that is subtly tailored to each child’s unique abilities (which, by the way, is basically what we do for EVERY child).
What does that mean?
- Maybe he will read Torah but not Haftarah.
- Maybe he will sing the prayers he knows and explain others.
- Maybe his service will be before only 15-20 of the closest and then there will be a bigger party.
- Maybe he will only chant one verse of Torah per aliyah.
- Maybe his Torah portion will be the V’ahavta prayer, which he will already know by heart (the V’ahavta in the prayerbook, comes from the Torah).
- Maybe… maybe… maybe…
The keys to it all are three interlocking elements:
- The commitment of the Temple to say “YES, this CAN and WILL happen.”
- The creativity of our B’nai Mitzvah tutor Diane Townsend to figure out ways to get each child to do his/her best. Diane works with me to tailor the service in a way that outsiders would not realize is tailored, but makes your child shine brightly.
- The willingness of the parents to let go of their sense that it cannot happen, but instead to believe that yes, my son – just like every other Jewish boy – can become a Bar Mitzvah.
By the way, I have NEVER encountered a child with special needs (at Congregation Or Ami or at my previous synagogues) who could not and did not become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
I so look forward to celebrating as your son becomes a Bar Mitzvah. So don’t worry. Just say to yourself, “Yes, this will happen.” Then breathe…
We can talk more if you want.
Gosh, I wish we could better publicize this message. I wish that all synagogues would realize that there should be NO barriers to children with special needs, especially with regard to Jewish ritual.Alas, we can only work in our little corner of the world…
This piece is awfully imprecise. Asking whether your child may hopefully be able to learn to read Torah publicly is not the same thing as asking whether they’ll “become a bar/bat mitzvhah.” Of course they’ll become a bar/bat mitzvah–becoming a “son/daughter of the commandements” happens automatically. All it means is that a Jew is now of age to follow the mitzvot. Reading from the Torah at a celebratory service and the learning entailed therein is a wonderful community event for all involved and we ascribe a lot of importance to it in Reform, but it has absolutely nothing to do with actually becoming b’nai mitzvah.
There is some truth to what Michael says, particularly in the orthodox and conservative parts of the Jewish world. However, becoming a Bar Mitzvah in today’s world (in reform, much of conservative, and most of reconstructionist Judaism), some connection to Torah and to a public ceremony (or a private-public one) is de rigor.
“Absolutely nothing to do with actually becoming b’nai mitzvah” might be imprecise also. A bit too definitive in an evolving, changing, modern world.
Michael is also correct that the piece was imprecise (I’d prefer that it wasn’t called “awfully”, but I’ll choose to interpret Michael’s intent for using that word as meaning “very”, instead of pejoratively). Sometimes kids read the Torah. Sometime children with special needs undress the Torah and say why they love/like it. Sometimes one line of Torah is signed. Sometimes a bunch of pictures about Judaism and Torah stories are shown. Each child in his or her own level and way.
Rather than engage in the pilpul (nit-picking) of the distinction between becoming subject to the commandments and marking the occasion with some sort of ceremony, let me comment on the substance of Rabbi Kipnes’s post.
All of us should be honoring Rabbi Kipnes and Or Ami for a generous, thoughtful, meaningful way of recognizing that all of our children are created b’tselem elohim, in the image of God, and should be welcomed into our communities with dignity and respect.
Although Rabbi Kipnes regrets that he can only work in his little corner of the world, by posting his story here he has taken his message far beyond Calabasas and California, and hopefully the light of Or Ami will shine brightly in other congregations through Or Ami’s example. Kol hakavod,yasher koach.
While I stand with Michael in that BECOMING Bar/Bat Mitzvah happens automatically, I also recognize the point is whether or not a child is capable of celebrating that fact by being called up to participate in the service, thus proving (by some standard) that they are now able to be a full functioning member of the congregation.
Go ahead and poke holes in the idea that most 13 year olds – special needs or not – can actually live up to that standard. Heck, there are adults who… but I digress.
My question is simpler, and (for the sake of ensuring my tone is heard correctly) sincere:
Is there any place that says they can’t? Is there any synagogue (let alone an entire movement) that has as it’s core value “Bar Mitzvah may not be right for children who are on the outer edges of the normative developmental bell curve.”?
If there are, I haven’t seen or heard of them. However, I’m not the parent of a special-needs child, so perhaps I’m ignorant to the ugly truth.
If so – if this is a common barrier to these families – then I’m saddened and shocked.
But if not then this article is heartfelt and sincere but, forgive the use of a technical internet term, glurge. (http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-glurge.htm).
For my part, I have been in synagogues from each movement and seen special needs children (and their families) universally supported. I watched one young man say his aliyah a word at a time – with each word prompted by his older brother. It took 5 minutes to get through and was moving beyond words. I know 3 local (orthodox) Rabbis who rise as a sign of respect and honor whenever a child with Downs enters the room.
But again, I might be missing the underbelly of this issue, and I would love to hear others’ experiences.
I am the mother of two boys, both bar-mitzvah meaning both above the legal age of thirteen. The elder one happens to also have severe autism and non typical communication skills (an understatement).
While the youngest had a typical bar-mitzvah ceremony where he chanted (beautifully) seven alyot, and haftorah, and gave an elaborate d’var, this would have never been possible for his brother when he turned thirteen.
I, however, found it important to signal my community and congregation that my first born had become a bar-mitzvah, and could count in a minyan. So I invited the congregation and even though my son would not (yet) pronounce the alyah himself, I gave a speech on the topic of his parshah – and had the speech published in our newsletter so that it could be publicized.
Jewish education being an ongoing process that does not stop at the age of thirteen, I am not giving up on teaching him whatever he needs to learn, including brachot. When he is ready – and willing, he may call a complete ceremony … bli neder!