How Do We Talk to Our Children About Israel?



by Robbie Gringras

My wonderful daughter had her bat mitzvah recently. She sang beautifully from the Torah, built an amazing model of her “Personal Tabernacle” inspired by the portion, and took part in a lovely service she had helped to shape. I am overjoyed that my daughter’s experience of Judaism has been of a wise and deep tradition, fantastic stories, warm Friday nights, and inclusivity for both genders.

Spotlight on IsraelIt wasn’t until we went with her to an exhibition on Jewish Feminist art at Ein Harod Museum that we came across a different aspect of Judaism. We walked around an exhibition created by furious female artists. Laws of niddah, modesty, and exclusion were beautifully screamed at, ridiculed, and mourned through video, photography, installation, sculpture and embroidery. From the wedding dress decorated with the hair shorn from the bride, to the photo of the disembodied hand holding a JNF box thrust through the curtain of the women’s section, there was some strong and strikingly painful work there. Yet although my daughter must be the most Jewishly knowledgeable of all her friends, I needed to explain every single reference to her.

She had had literally no idea of how aspects of Jewish tradition can be cruel to or disdainful of women.

This is because we had never taught her about them, and she’d never come across them until this exhibition. We knew instinctively that if we had exposed her to the anti-feminist narrative of Judaism at an early age she would have emerged knowledgeable about yet emotionally distant from Judaism. We didn’t want that for our kid.

I’m left reflecting on these ideological choices when thinking about Israel education for our kids. Because you see the thing is that my wife and I have absolutely no regrets at constructing “rose-tinted spectacles” for our child’s experience of Judaism. Our choice to induct our daughter into Judaism was not related to the moral rights or wrongs of the entirety of the tradition. We wanted for Judaism to be a part of who she is.

I believe we need to take the same choices with our young children with regards Israel. Prior to and irrespective of our attitudes to Israeli policies and politics, we need to make an ideological choice. Is Israel important to a Jew, or not?

As any thoughtful Israel-engaged Jew can attest, growing up with a deep connection to Israel does not have to lead one to love everything about Israel. The fact that my kid was not just surprised but also deeply concerned by much of what she learned at the Jewish Feminist exhibition shows that one can be brought up to identify with a tradition, a people, a place, and still continue to develop a moral stance that might be at odds with elements of that tradition.

Bringing up our children to “love Israel” should not mean we are brainwashing them or serving evil reactionary interests. Sometimes I fear that too much superficial education has given love and commitment a bad name. A knee-jerk rejection of “teaching to love Israel” is – I would suggest – mainly a response to the extent to which such a concept has been shorn of its depth. Love is crucial, but it’s not simple.

We need our children to be knowledgeable and wise enough to be able to question what they have received, and at the same time we need them connected enough to care. Their commitment will be inherited from that of their parents – hence the necessity for us as parents and future parents to make that first ideological decision that Israel is important to us and to our children.

What would an education look like that seeks to establish a commitment that is strong and passionate but not blind or paralyzed? How might we cultivate the roots of critical loyalty in our young?

At Makom, a partnership of Jewish communities around the world and the Jewish Agency for Israel, we would advocate for two approaches. We would take care to give preteens what we might call the “philosophical training” for them to embrace complexity, and we would give them a framework of spiraling questions.

Embracing Complexity: Rather than simplifying issues for a little kid to grasp, we should encourage them to grapple with the complexities of simple situations. For example, at the age of five, issues of “Hugging and Wrestling with Israel” are tough! But questions such as “has your best friend ever done something you thought was the wrong thing to do?” fit right in to their lives. Follow up questions can go further: Did you tell your friend they had done wrong? Did you tell them in private or in public? Are you still friends despite the wrong-doing? Rather offering a simplistic explanation of Israel’s Separation Barrier, we might ask where there are fences in our children’s lives? (House? School?) What are the advantages and disadvantages of fences? Do good fences make good neighbors or deepen divides? Who decides where to put a fence, and (why?). (Makom’s “Car Pool Conversations” about Israel are freely downloadable here.)

These are the kinds of conversations that can help our kids develop a familiarity with complex moral issues, and build a suitable vocabulary to begin to address them when they arise. In this way our children learn that complexity and “messiness” (Israeli characteristics if ever there were!) can be fascinating and not frightening.

Spiraling questions: At Makom, we would suggest that the moral and political issues of Israel emerge from four key values expressed in the Hatikvah anthem: “To be a free (Jewish) people in our land.” What does it mean and what does it take to survive (“to be”)? What does it mean and what does it take to be free? What does it mean and what does it take to be connected to the Jewish people? And what does it mean and what does it take to be “in our land”?

These four questions underlie every headline we ever read about Israel, and they are four questions that we can ask and explore at every age. As little kids, our questions about being Jewish and connected to other Jews will yield different answers from those we may reach today. Likewise, the expansion of our understanding of freedom – its limitations and responsibilities – will grow with the years. But the more we empower our children to engage with these four “pillars of Zionism,” the more we enable them to connect to, critique, and affirm Israel at every stage of their lives.

Robbie Gringras is Artist-in-Residence at Makom, a partnership of Jewish communities around the world and the Jewish Agency. All the above opinions were developed and inspired by his work with Makom and consultations with Dr. Jen Glaser.

Originally posted at Makom.

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One Response to “How Do We Talk to Our Children About Israel?”

  1. Larry Kaufman

    Mr. Gringras rightly suggests that we teach our kids both about the complexity and the diversity of the issues involved in the Israeli reality and our relationships with Israel. But it’s equally important for them to understand the pluralistic nature of Judaism and Jewish life in North America.

    Young Miss Gringras’s shock at the misogynism she encountered at the Ein Harod exhibit stems from what her father tells us: She had had literally no idea of how aspects of Jewish tradition can be cruel to or disdainful of women.

    That phenomenon is not only an Israeli situation. If we bring up our children in a Reform/egalitarian Judaism without letting them know that there are other approaches to Judaism whose adherents think are as correct and authentic as we think our approaches are, we invite the kind of culture shock Mr. Grikngras describes, and we create roadblocks to creating c’lal Yisrael, a unified Jewish community, and to the idea that kol Yisrael arevim zeh lazeh, all Israel are responsible one for the other.

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