Brilliance of Yizkor
June 10, 2008
Community | Lifecycle
(1 comments)
By Marge Eiseman
This Shabbat, we will observe my mom's 17th yahrzeit and then on Monday morning, I'll be saying kaddish for her again at the Yizkor service on the festival of Shavuot. Yizkor means remember. What could be more important than that? I attended a session on "How to Talk to Your Children about God and Death" on a recent Sunday morning at Congregation Sinai. In the room with me were two women whose husbands had died, leaving them young widows with children, and besides myself, there were at least one or two other bereaved parents. There were people who referred to the death of their own siblings or parents, and yet none of them ever attend the Yizkor services that occur during the year. I don't even know if they attend on Yom Kippur afternoon, but it's the most likely one if they do.
Maybe they don't know that there are three pilgrimage festivals, the shalosh regalim, of Sukkot, Pesach and Shavuot, where people gather at the end of the holiday to hold a memorial service to remember the lives of their loved ones who have died. Yizkor isn't just for old people, but you'd never know that at my synagogue.
I use Yizkor as a kind of mental health pressure valve - I allow myself to really feel the loss of my mom and my son each holy day. I cry as I say their names, sometimes, I cry so hard I can't say their names. But, no matter, I feel supported by being in community, and I feel better for having participated. This last time, I remembered to bring my grief shawl, but forgot the tissues.
The brilliance of Jewish mourning rituals became clear during the time immediately following Baki's death, so I continue to observe the customs of yahrzeit and Yizkor as I make my way through the years. Give it a try - if you are mourning the loss of a loved one --and let me know if it helps you too.
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I too said Kaddish for my mother at the Yizkor Shavuot morning service on Monday. I love your image of Yizkor as a "mental health pressure valve"! My mother died almost 10 years ago, and the tears still flow freely whenever I attend Yizkor services. I used to wonder when they would stop? When will I stop missing her? It is painful to miss the people you love and there is a part of me that would prefer not to feel the hurt. And yet, I continue to observe her yahrtzeit and to participate in Yizkor on each of the Festivals because it supports my desire to keep her memory alive. I try to recall her goodness, to remember the happy times and insights she shared with us. I wonder if my tears, while surely connected to my sadness, might also be experienced as tears of happiness for being able to connect with my mother, even though she is no longer physically present. Memories can be bring us joy, even as they remind us of loss. Maybe this is what the psalmist (Psalm 126) meant by saying , "Those who sow in tears will reap in joy".