Elise, I feel your pain. The fact that the YMCA welcomed you and the local Jewish organizations did not is a shanda for the Jews - a disgrace. Many of my fellow congregants do not want to discuss the uncomforatable fact that some of us don't make enough money! They prefer to talk about things that make them proud, that make them feel good - like my rabbi has fourteen placques on his wall (yours has only three), and our cantor is a real cantor (yours is only a cantorial soloist), or our gala made thirty thousand dollars and the catered food was delicious - stuff that is really "important" for a Jew. At our Torah Study Group we put money in the pushka box every Saturday morning. You read this correctly - we bring money to the Temple and put it in the pushka on Shabbes. Whenever we collect a significant amount of money, we vote to give the money to a recipient. This week I am going to recommend we donate a certain amount of money to the Rabbi's fund so we can help our people, us, when there is a financial problem. I don't want to lose you.

Assuming we have the complete story, this is shameful.

No Jewish organization --especially a synagogue -- should turn away any Jew, and particularly someone who is trying to pay what he/she is able to afford.

I would suggest that situations of this kind be
handled discretely and gently by a manager, not a secretary, and possibly the local Federation or another Jewish source can be enlisted to help.

Elise May's problems are only the tip of this iceburg. I'm afraid that this is a wide spread problem affecting many Jewish congregations. The ability to pay dues is a very personal matter. No one can determine someone else's ability to pay dues based upon their income and known expenses. We all have personal expenses that are private and no one else's business. I've known profesionals who are still paying their own student loans while trying to pay for their childrens' college expenses. I've known young adults who are paying their parents nursing home expenses. I've known all kinds of people who have never had enough money for anything beyond basic living expenses. These are upright good citizens who are in financial trouble through no fault of their own. In most cases they won't "beg" for dues adjustments. They have too much pride and to make matters worse they have encountered the same kind of people that Elise May is dealing with.

Temple dues adjustments should be based on an honorary system. The dues should be based on a small percentage of your adjusted federal taxable income, if you can pay that amount or what ever amount you can pay and no one should have the right to verify your income. The whole process should be based on an honor system.

Yes there will be some people who cheat, but they will be few and far between.

I hope Elise will be able to discuss this matter with a compassionate temple board member and if that fails, I hope she can find another temple that will satisfy her needs. It would be crime to deprive her young son of a positive Jewish experience.

Dear Elise,
I may be in the best position to respond because when I joined my synagogue 14 years ago, I, too, was a single parent who struggled to pay dues. When a Board member called me to ask for money during a fundraising drive, I nearly took his head off. (Of course he had no way of knowing my financial situation, and I was extremely sensitive.)

Now I am president of that synagogue, and only too aware of the costs involved with managing it. We have been fortunate to have members who have been incredibly generous over the years. We open our doors to the community, and our philosophy is that no one will be turned away because of finances.

And yet, like everyone else, our costs are skyrocketing and our membership numbers increase little if at all. (At least they aren't decreasing.) We just put in a 5% dues increase--our first increase in five years. So in spite of the fact that we welcome all and don't turn anyone away, it is quite possible that it could have been our financial secretary who asked you if it would be possible for you to contribute a little more.

Elise, I'm willing to bet that no offense was intended. The person who made that call probably has to ask that of all members who have made some sort of dues reduction arrangement. And the philosophy in fundraising is if you don't ask, you don't get.

So I would urge you to look at the request not as a way of making you feel unwelcome, but simply as one of the unpleasant tasks of running an organization in which voluntary contributions are accepted.

Finally, consider that you have more power from within than from without. Join the membership committee and raise awareness of the members as to how it feels to get a phone call like that. You could stimulate a discussion about how to handle those difficult phone calls with more sensitivity, and thereby do a lot of good for the organization and the people it serves. This would enable you to stay connected in a powerful way.

Elise,
Our philosophy is that cost should not be a deterrent to synagogue membership. We have an amazing past president who handles all of our variance requests with integrity and compassion. He understands that for some people, even that $20-30 a month is a stretch. His typical arrangement has the family covering the actual expenses incurred (such as religious school fees) but works out whatever he can with regard to membership. This way, while adding the family to our roster may not make the most fiscal sense, it certainly makes the most moral sense to us.

Fortunately, we do much for the community. Presently,we must realize rhat in these most difficult times, we must not forget the members of our own Congregation. And then do what we can as we have always managed to do for so many years. Learning to be honored is learning to do what is right.