Keep the simcha simple
June 26, 2008
Lifecycle | Religious Life | Shabbat | The Future
(2 comments)
By Mary Hofmann
While I enjoyed reading the many perspectives of the contributors to Reform Judaism this month, I was truly saddened by the plight of Elise Silverfield May and those in her situation (which includes a whole lot of us, on a lot of levels!)--the perceived high price tag of being Jewish (page 61 or online here).
Her particular alarm rang concerning the temple members' expectations around her son's upcoming bar mitzvah, which were terrifyingly grandiose. This concern connects well with Rabbi Yoffie's comments at the Biennial regarding congregants reclaiming Shabbat morning services from the grip of private "parties." If we don't want Reform Judaism to become increasingly about status and wealth, I believe this problem needs to be addressed both in terms of reclaiming both the sanctuary and the sanctity of the event. I guess it has to do with the values established at each congregation--and all of our opportunities (and obligations?) to revision those values regularly.
Sometimes I feel lucky to live in a remote community where Jews with visions of grandeur wouldn't settle. In Merced, California, our first bar mitzvah (my son's, in 1980) was pulled off on a wing and a prayer and a lot of scrambling with the entire community involved in every aspect--from Rob's training and preparation to building the service to putting on a sort of planned potluck luncheon. It was a triumph for all of us--and set a pattern that has continued for nearly 30 years. We've had a few catered, but the norm is homemade from the get-go, the celebration is for everybody, the child not only does the regular mitzvah training, but helps with everything else, the family (and friends) create the service booklet, the child is invited to participate in adult (including board activities), and the party--lunch and something geared for kids--wraps it all up in another hour or so.
Our kids aren't missing anything. I'd guess our kids are as, or more, prepared than most. I find it sad that anybody has to feel such a warm and wonderful family and community event has to be a burden on anybody. I bet you'd all love our celebrations--and wouldn't feel like anybody had to be the envy of anyone to feel warm and fuzzy and accomplished.
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The original purpose of a Bar Mitzvah (which was started after the Black Plague caused widespread death and dislocation in Europe) was to introduce the young adult to the congregation. That purpose is defeated by a private service. This isn't a wedding!
My mom and her friends baked for days, filling the freezer and the kitchen for the reception after the service. The food was great! The party was fun. The kids got to go bowling later (which was as popular as dancing at 13). Nobody faced economic ruin. The less well off members of the temple were not made to feel inadequate because they couldn't afford to spend $100,000 at a luxury hotel.
Confirmation is much more important anyway. Kids are three years older, have matured and learned much more important things than some rote memorization in a foreign language they don't understand. More focus on the Confirmation keeps kids in Sunday School for those extra years, getting a better education.