Jewish Teaching Begins at Home
August 7, 2008
Community | Lifecycle
(5 comments)
By JanetheWriter
Recently, my college roommate called me for some advice. Her 12-year-old son had been invited to the bat mitzvah of a classmate and she didn't have a clue about what he should wear or what type of gift would be appropriate.
As one of only a handful of Jews he knows, I was excited for Matthew. B'nei mitzvah are meaningful and fun and, as a young man who is well-versed in the rites and rituals of the Catholic Church, this would be a great learning experience for him.
After I'd advised Terry about his attire and a gift, I asked her just one question: "What's the name of the congregation?" She didn't know, she said, but read me the entire invitation. To my double dismay, the bat mitzvah was to take place as part of a Havdalah service at the family's country club.
It then occurred to me that, unless there were circumstances that were not apparent from the invitation, this might not be such a great way for Matthew to learn some of the basics of either Judaism or of b'nei mitzvah. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized just what he (and his parents) would learn.
For one thing, they'd learn that some of us consider country clubs to be suitable houses of worship in which to conduct religious rites of passage.
For another, they'd learn that some of us view Havdalah is an appropriate time of the week to welcome a young person into the Jewish community as an adult.
And lastly, they'd learn that some Jews read Torah on Saturday night as though it was a Monday, a Thursday or Shabbat.
And so it was that I found myself teaching my longtime friend the basics, as I understand them, of b'nei mitzvah, Havdalah, and the ins and outs of Torah reading.
From me Terry learned that I believe that religious rites of passage belong in the synagogue. Synagogues are, after all, our religious homes, the places where we strive to encounter God and, says Rabbi Eric Yoffie, "the dynamic heart of Jewish existence...the one institution in the Jewish world that doesn't just use Jews; it makes Jews."
From me she also learned that although Reform congregations and their clergy are fully autonomous--determining individually when they schedule b'nei mitzvah--such services typically are held at times when Torah traditionally is read. These include Mondays, Thursdays, Shabbat morning, Shabbat afternoon, and holidays, but not Havdalah, the Saturday evening service that marks the separation of Shabbat from the rest of the week.
And I shared this too: in Jewish life, particularly when it comes to b'nei mitzvah, the role of the community-at-large is paramount. Indeed, the absence of community--other than the young woman's family members and friends--to witness her coming of age seems to me to be a Jewish lesson gone awry.
Sadly, from where I'm sitting, it appears that neither the bat mitzvah family nor the rabbi who officiated seemed to see it that way. Sadder still it seems, the place we must begin teaching this and other important Jewish lessons is at home.
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Jane, your distress about the wrong messages this country club bar mitzvah will send is misplaced -- it doesn't matter much if Catholics know that bnai mitzvah should take place at a time and place when Torah would normally be read -- but it matters that Jews should know, and it matters even more that rabbis should know.
I would like to believe that you are wrong in your assumption that a rabbi will be officiating. The rabbi's autonomy has to co-exist with his (or her)role as teacher -- and the lesson this rabbi would appear to be teaching is that anything goes, and that our sacraments, if I may use that word, are for sale.
My childhood best friend and next door neighbor received zero Jewish education -- but when he turned thirteen, his family threw a bar mitzvah party in his honor. With the perspective of the decades, I can appreciate their need in some way to mark the occasion as a Jewish rite of passage if not as a religious milestone. But they had no rabbinic sanction or rabbinic presence to suggest that this was a real bar mitzvah.
Can we hope that in the case you describe there was no rabbinic involvement -- that the family figured out it would be easier for their son to learn hamavdil beyn chodesh le'chol than ten verses of Torah, and that they could come in from playing golf and segue into playing Jewish?