Most important principle: you can't have everything you want, so get over it. By the way, that's the secret to a long and happy marriage :)

I can assure you that Abby keeping her maiden name will cause no serious problem. Since according to this article one fifth of women keep their maiden names, schools are used to dealing with this.

Here's an article on the question you are facing:
http://www.slate.com/id/2097231/ .

And here's what they do in Spanish speaking countries, where the double surname is standard:

http://spanish.about.com/cs/culture/a/surnames.htm

The problem with that very rational Spanish solution is that I don't think people in the US know of or understand it, so it may cause confusion.

I have my mother's maiden name--Koller--as a middle name, but not hyphenated. If you ask me, the hyphenation introduces too many complications.

The best thing is whatever pleases you

Here is a relatively simple solution:

Donald drops the hyphen. Abby keeps her maiden name. The children all are Zemel Cutler, and they decide eventually if they want to use both names.

But you don't like that right?

The English like the hyphenated stuff, but then it gets passed down through the generations, with the wife' name not going further.

You don't like that either, right?

See top comment :)

I have friends who have each kept their original names but added a new last name that they chose together. Individually and professionally they sometimes go by their names-from-birth, sometimes by their new last names. But it does give them a single family name to use in the eventuality of children, or when anyone wants to refer to their family as a whole.

Other friends of mine in college created new family names by fusing syllabus from their names together.

Yet other friends of mine created a new family name sort of in the same way, but rather than choosing syllables from their original names, they chose syllables that sounded nice together that had origins in words related to their original names. (It's a pain in the neck for them to explain how they created it, but I suspect after the first year of marriage that became less important.)

Finally, I have a couple of pairs of friends who each adopted their partner's original last name as their own middle name, giving their family a chiasmus of last names. None of them have kids yet, so I don't know what will happen then.

Personally, I have no opinion, since I haven't had to cross this particular bridge yet in my own life. However, I strongly believe that a family history is perserved in people, stories, and shared memories, not only in names. I don't think my cousins who changed their names at marriage feel any less a part of the Levy family history than I do. And, although I don't carry the family name of my mother's family, or her mother's family, I consider myself a full and important part of the Schneiderman and Monsein family histories just as I do of the Levy family.

But to end with a blessing, I hope this is the most stressful decision your marriage faces. :)

Hey, MB, it applies equally to the wife accommodating to the husband! I heard a Rabbi say at a wedding: "Marriage is not give and take, but give and give."

Though my parents were once married, my mom always remained McKinney and my dad always remained Wilensky. I got both, though not hyphenated. Hence, David Alexander McKinney Wilensky, hence the double middle initials.

To me, it is an important identity issue. I like having the mixture of the goy name, to signify that I come from a convert as well as some fairly down-to-earth Tennessee folk, along with the obviously Jewish name.

Of the three names you have to pick from here, pick the one(s) that you think will pass on an identity or a message that you want passed on to your kid.

I hate to be a scrooge on this --- particularly so close to Chanukah --- but it is obvious that at least some people "working in the Reform Movement" have a lot of time on their hands. It is nice to see a Rabbi chime in, but of course he doesn't tell us what the Reform view, or even the non-Reform Jewish view might be. (Could the ultimate resolution of the problems presented by Zelophehad's Daughters lead us somewhere on this? Uneducated laymen want to know!)

The solution is obvious: Either

(1) Sandler-Zemel should stay S-Z (and continue to line up at the back of the class, eschewing the opportunity to jump to the head of the class) and Cutler-Cohen should stay C-C, with the kids probably becoming C-Cs (up at the head of the class if for no other reason); or

(2) They should do whatever they please, although S-Z-C-C is quite a mouthful, but if that's what they want why should anyone else care? (Well...maybe that might require the Reform Movement to reprogram their computers to allow for more space on "last name" field of various employment records. And don't be upset when the Christmas cards and wedding invitation scome in addressed "wrong". But that would be a small price to pay.)

From the Wikipedia entry on what appears to be the likely next Senator from New York:

Although she is often incorrectly referred to as "Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg", she did not change her name when she married. . .

So far so good....but what about the kids?

Kennedy and her family live on Park Avenue in Manhattan. She and her husband have two daughters and one son: Rose Kennedy Schlossberg . . Tatiana Celia Kennedy Schlossberg, . . . and John "Jack" Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg.

So there it is! That's how to do it if you have a 300 plus acre estate on Martha's Vineyard or live on Park Avenue. No indication, by the way, that she has any problem when she shows up for a parent conference with the "Schlossberg kid".

Hi Abby and Donnie,

I'm actually facing a similar dilemma to yours (though admittedly with fewer names). My fiancee really wants us to have the same last name. I really want to keep my last name. We've compromised in that we're both going to hyphenate (as Donnie's parents did). When people ask what our children will do when they get married, I usually sort of say "that's up to them," but here you are facing it. I must say, I like the idea of following the Spanish hyphenation rules. Though they are neither specifically Jewish, nor specifically Reform, they provide some guidelines for you and others with hyphens (my future children...), and Cutler-Zemel has a nice ring, I think.

When it really comes down to it, however, we all know that having the same surname is not what makes a family, whether the kids' teachers get it or not.

Mazel tov on the impending nuptials.
--TGD (nee TBG)

Being of a generation where these issues did not arise, I segue to the somewhat analogous situation of congregational names when two temples merge.

A frequent outcome is the joining of the names -- as in the southern suburbs of Chicago, when Bnai Yehudah merged with Beth Sholom and became Bnai Yehudah Beth Sholom, now generally shortened to BYBS.

But another possibility is the choice of a new name -- in Louisville, I am told, Adath Israel merged with Brith Sholom, and became The Temple.

When I recently worked with two congregations that were contemplating merger, each of whom had been through a previous merger, there was total acceptance of the idea that four traditions were too many to blend in a single name, and that the best way for a new entity to proceed would be with an all new name. When I suggested as one possibility that the new name might reflect the geography of the new congregation-to-be, there was an immediate consensus from both mishpachot that the new name had to be Hebrew. Other than geography, I suggested to my group, the new name might reflect shared values -- Emet, Tzedek, Shalom, etc. (BTW, the discussions lapsed, and the name became moot.)

(Suburban Temple in Cleveland, after fifty years with that name, ten years ago added Kol Ami to its identity, reflecting the trend to Hebrew names at congregations that had not had them or let them lapse.)

One advantage that Abby and Donnie seem to have is that there are fewer voices chiming in than would be the case in a synagogue maerger, so the decision can be made more calmly and hopefully less emotionally. But the two suggestions I take from what goes on among synagogues are to consider starting fresh, and saying it in Hebrew.